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open me up, take all the pieces, and throw them away [Oct. 7th, 2003|10:05 pm]
[mood |rejectedrejected]
[music |Technical Itch - Hidden Sound / Deadline]

This far I have come, only for you to turn me away
This last gaze I've recieved, I will never forget
You have taken all my pride, my determination, and my soul
You've set them all albaze, and bathed me in the ashes
I've seen the fire inside you, watching flames swirl the color of your eyes
And through all the misery, I still find peace in watching you die.
soon all of this will be over, and you can go astray,
but for now I own you, and for now you must stay.
I get to return all you have done to me, all the emotional torment
I get to shove it back in your face, until I'm fed up with the regret.
You've given me no choice, your crimes worse than murder.
I'll live with the pain forever, while you will merely choke on it for a while.
You can't understand the suffering you've bestowed,
but it's best matched by pouring salt in your own open wound.
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So what the fuck would you do about it? [Oct. 2nd, 2003|08:30 pm]
[mood |confusedconfused]
[music |taking back sunday - you're so last summer]

I begin this post with much hesitation, for I fear of who's reading it. I am very uncomfortable expressing anything these days, because when you're angry, and you spit out words you don't necessarily mean to heart, you just run off at the mouth because you're just upset about something, they eventually do really work like knives, to you and the person they're against. so what does one do, faced with this situation, while in the past, being used to doing something exactly like listed above to release anger and aggression? i have found no solution, because even writing could be found and examined. i really have lost a lot (such as free speech.) i am learning to restrain myself to thought. and it is really starting to hurt.
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random events of no specific significance [Oct. 1st, 2003|01:21 am]
i lie awake upon the ashes of your broken soul
you spit up lies and blood like it's the easiest thing to do
you find solace in the pain and abuse you rain down on me like fire and brimstone
and as i jump in the sulphur pit of your heart you grin and eat my self-esteem away
you took my heart and crumbled it because you burned it away a long time ago
and still the memory lingers in my head that you were once beautiful and smart
i try to erase the bad reminders from my scarred and bleeding carcass
but you carve more with each passing moment
and i still say "i love you more than words can express"
you have found your crutch, your emotional scratching post
too bad i have no band-aids and you carry disease
so with this one last look i'll say my final goodbyes
but i know in 20 minutes i'll apologize and go back to you like a scared little boy
because that's the only way i'll know you truly loved me
this scotch taped heart shaped burning letter from me to you
is the only thing i have between freedom and slavery
it is my goodbye, but you will never know
because i am too scared of the consequences of leaving you behind
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New Music In My Life [Sep. 29th, 2003|05:54 pm]
[mood |hornyhorny]
[music |A Perfect Circle - The Nurse Who Loved Me]

This song is great. It's a wonderful cover, and I adore it immensely. The new APC album in general is quite vibrant, amusing, and well thought out. A true piece of Musical Art. Someone should give Maynard a fucking Emmy already. I also got Brand New's CD "Deja Entendu" and I must say that it's quite good. And then there's classics I can't stop listening to like A Static Lullaby, Taking Back Sunday, and Nothingface. The new Thursday album is good so far, no downfalls in my ears. Nothing like music to really bring you out of a hopeless emotional slump. I think my soul starts to die when I don't constantly get to hear new music. It's just too necessary for me.
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the beginning of an unpleasant day [Sep. 24th, 2003|12:47 pm]
[mood |pissed offpissed off]
[music |Poison The Well - The Realist / Ghostchant]

Why the fuck do I have to come to work every day to a dirty room after I left early last night so that I could be ready for tomorrow? Isn't the rule, "whoever closes, cleans the fuck up?" Oh, I must be mistaken. I must be the fucking Cinderella of St. George, UT. Fuck all of this. Business sucks and isn't shaping up to be anything special, our fridge is still broke ass, even though it was supposed to be fixed Monday god damned morning; I think I have a terminal disease.
"Hate that I'm never certain of what needs what most."
"I see you, on your side, BAD LUCK!!!"
"Inherit my shoes, they were too hard, to fill anyway. I want it to go well for you, START OVER, start over and do it right this time, for me...."
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good lawd life can be a bastard child sometimes... [Sep. 21st, 2003|01:05 am]
[mood |apatheticapathetic]
[music |Matchbook Romance - The Greatest Fall]

Things when good, always seem to take a turn for the worse. What the hell is so wrong with the economy that the basis of it (small business) cannot thrive and produce enough income to support themselves. It has become a sad sight, to think that while we are promised free enterprise in a thriving system, we get our money stolen by the american government as soon as we make it through taxes. Oh well, bad days are the same as good ones lately, so I have nothing left but ranting.
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so pointless all of this... [Sep. 19th, 2003|09:12 pm]
I write this post, this evening, before having a cigarette, to pass some of the feelings I have off to no one, since no one will ever read this anyway. I guess I'm not up to par with my co-worker, even though i'm here from open to close (12pm - 2am &later) every day, and he's here 2 days a week. It's my fault that shit's not getting done outside the office, such as restocking snacks and whatnot, even though I never have time to go to the store and buy shit, because my co-worker can never watch the store for me. I haven't done laundry in 3 weeks, but I never have tim to do it because i'm always at the god damned store, watching it while my co-worker is off doing his own thing. My life is so bland I might die, I have no real companion, no one to confide in. I have nothing to call my own but the clothes off of my back. My money fades quicker than time itself. I still get sick of waking up. I still hate the sunlight of the morning. I still hate the cold look in everyone's eyes when I take a drag off of my cigarette. I hate the taste soda leaves in my mouth lately. I'm starting to think those thoughts they told me not to in therapy, but the only thing holding me back, is the fact that if I die, they win. So fuck that, I'm here to stay. Yes, this is a note of self-pity. I do not expect understanding or for someone to hold my hand and tell me it's ok. I'm venting, simple as that. If you don't like, don't read. Bitch about it if you like, I still won't give a damn.
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KoRn! KoRn! KoRn! KoRn! KoRn! KoRn! KoRn! KoRn! [Nov. 27th, 2002|10:19 am]
I saw KoRn live last Thursday. The whole show was supposed to be TRUSTCompany opening, Disturbed being the middle, and KoRn headlining. TRUSTCompany didn't even show. They were a block away from the venue at a bar called The Puck. Just too drunk to play, I guess. WEll, myself and a friend had gone through a hellaciously long road trip just to get there, and we arrived at 4:00p.m. We had to stand outside in lines until 6:00p.m. Which was kinda fun because you see all the people that are going to beat you up, so you get aquainted. Then we get inside, my friend buys a beanie, and then we pick a spot on the rail. then we see all Disturbed's shit is set up, and the announcement follows, "TRUSTCompany will not be playing tonight..." This was soon followed by praise and cheers from the entire audience. No one in that room liked TRUSTcompany, besides my friend and I. SO Disturbed comes on, and they suck. Nothing to talk about there, because I was usually staring at some really hot chick across the way and flipping David Draiman off.
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I just got this, so I figured I'd enter something. [Oct. 30th, 2002|03:38 pm]
thanx mary, for hooking me up with the code and whatnot. well, here I am, for the first time, displaying my feelings, events, moments, not-so-good times, and substance-related moments. I'm a proud user of the ganja, therefore i'm sure you'll be seeing a lot of entries from me while i'm under the influence. and no doubt about it, until the 21st of november, you'll be hearing me bitch about how far that date is from now. because that's the day I go see KoRn live! for the 2nd time. for now, i'm gonna go find some stuff, and listen to a lot of KoRn, and reveille. I'll also be reviewing new and old CD's i pick up from here on out, because I feel i need to be more critical of everything, i guess. until the next entry, check out DEADSY at www.deadsy.com
and check out Reveille at www.reveille.cc or www.reveillerock.com

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